Bungo Stray Dogs - Volume 3 Chapter 1 Part 3

Chapter 1 Part 3

“Sorry. I was plowing the field in front of my house and lost track of time. Check out the huge radishes I harvested today. You could kill a guy with one of these! Don’t worry. I’ll make sure everyone gets their share later!”
The lively, energetic voice belonged to a small-framed young man donning a straw hat and cotton overalls. The gloves stuffed in his pocket were soiled with fresh dirt, and to top it off, he was barefoot.
This was Kenji Miyazawa, the youngest agent at the detective agency. “Hey, Kenji! We were waiting for you!” Dazai was all smiles as he
welcomed his colleague. “You remember why I asked you here, right? Well, let me tell you, it’s been one heated discussion! Come, Kenji, give us one or two of your brightest ideas!”
“I’ll see what I can do!” the young detective replied cheerfully before entering. His bare feet tapped against the floor as he cut across the room to read the whiteboard. Then he turned around to face the others.
“The exam needs to test whether he’s talented enough to join the agency, right?”
Kenji pondered for a few seconds before facing Dazai and raising his hand.
“Oh, I know!”
“Yes, Kenji?” Dazai pointed at Kenji, allowing him to speak. “Get him to arm wrestle me! If he wins, he’s in!”
Everyone fell silent, their expressions dead serious. Even Dazai was left speechless.
It was an unattainable objective. Kenji’s skill, Undefeated by the Rain, granted him superhuman strength and made his body essentially indestructible by physically knocking back whatever hit him. He could effortlessly throw a car if he wanted to. In fact, he once wrestled three seasoned sumo wrestlers and simultaneously threw them in the air. No one knows if they ever hit the ground. Everyone in the room imagined the newcomer trying to arm wrestle Kenji until his arm got torn off and left him screaming.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Tanizaki timidly spoke up, breaking the silence. His face stiff, he glanced around at the others.
But when he noticed the nearby Yosano mutter under her breath “…That could work” with a smirk, he immediately tried changing the subject.

“A-any other ideas?”
“Other ideas, huh?” Kenji repeated, unbothered. He paced back and forth a few times, deep in thought as his bare feet audibly tapped the floor. “I think most detective work boils down to putting in the effort one day at a time.” Kenji struck his palm with a fist before continuing. “I’m fairly certain the president would agree that it’s not about jumping immediately into action, going berserk on the enemy, and having a fairy-tale ending. So how about we have him plow the field next to my house little by little, and if that leads to a good harvest come autumn, then he can join the company. Sounds wonderful, if you ask me!”
Everyone’s gazes fixated on Tanizaki in silence—“Say something!” they seemed to be urging him.
“Uh… Y-yeah…” Tanizaki reluctantly gave an ambiguous reply. “We were with you during the first half, but…I think waiting until autumn might be a little too long. Right, Kunikida?”
“A-agreed.” Kunikida seemed startled when the hot potato was suddenly thrown to him.
“Oh… If you say so…” Kenji’s innocent, childlike eyes showed a hint of disappointment. “Then how about one of the more common rites of passage we use back in the countryside where I’m from?”
“Oh? What kind of ritual is that?” Tanizaki raised his eyebrows.
Kenji was from an extremely remote village deep in the mountains of the Touhoku region just past a stream that cut through the forest. Up until the day he was scouted by the president and brought to the agency two months prior, Kenji lived a simple life surrounded by cows and fields, which was why he may seem uncivilized to some.
“Back home, we had a young men’s association that would help out with general farm work. There were a few ways to become a member, but for example…” Kenji raised his index finger and continued, “…forecasting the weather.”
“Huh… Sounds neat. I guess the weather is very important to farmers, after all. So basically, if you correctly predict the next day’s weather without checking the forecast, you pass?”
“Not just the next day’s weather. An entire month’s weather.” “…Pardon?”
“You predict the weather by checking the soil and the animals’ behavior.

I can do it, too! Here: sunny, cloudy, sunny, sunny with showers in the morning and in the evening…”
After that, Kenji rambled on, forecasting the weather for an entire month. Unfortunately, though, everyone blanked out, and all that information went in one ear and out the other.
“Th-that’s really impressive…” Tanizaki finally spoke up. “Anything else?”
“If you can hold a conversation with a cow, you pass. Or a dog.”
“Your village sounds incredible, Kenji…,” Tanizaki muttered in blank amazement.
“Also, anyone who can summon rain gets a free pass. The same goes for people who can grow a sapling into a tree in a day’s time.”
“That’s a real top-notch group you’ve got back home!” “If you build a community center in one night, you pass.” “Who lives there, Hideyoshi Toyotomi?!”
“If you defeat a cursed spirit, you pass.” “Those exist?!”
“Also…”
“H-hold on.” Tanizaki stopped him, unable to take any more. “I think we’re getting way off topic. Plus, I feel like if we listen to any more of this, we’re going to completely forget about the meeting, so let’s stop there for today.”
“Oh… Well, if you say so.” Kenji tilted his head to the side in a disheartened manner. Just then, Tanizaki turned around to find Dazai writing “Hideyoshi Toyotomi” on the whiteboard.
The debate over the entrance exam had reached a fever pitch. Everything Dazai proposed, Kunikida shot down, while Yosano raised an objection to everything Kunikida suggested. And whenever Yosano brought something up, Tanizaki said, “Yeah, that’s a bit much…”
Everyone put their heads together and passionately debated the topic in an effort to select the best rookie for the agency…or at least, that was what they should have done. In reality, this bunch was simply far too eccentric to put out a proposal that could be considered even halfway decent.
“A rookie needs guts,” Yosano argued with a curl of her sensuous lips. “How about we do this: You all have pinkie fingers on your left hand, right?”
Everyone looked at their pinkies.
“We start from the left pinkie…and tear off one finger until we reach the pinkie on his right. If he can make it through all ten fingers, he’s in.”
“That’s way too cruel!” Tanizaki shrieked. “All right, eight fingers, then.”
“What kind of pointless compromise is that?!”
“Oh, come on. I can always just heal him with my skill,” Yosano said with a pout. “If you’re not gonna let me do that, then how about we file down his crotch and see how long before he cries? That could be the test.”
All the men in the room grabbed their crotches and leaped out of their chairs at the thought of the unfathomable pain.
“We’re not going to torture him!”
“Then how about he challenges me to a drinking contest? If he wins, he’s hired.”
“That’s hazing!” Tanizaki shouted back.
“Hey, Kunikida, you’ve been awfully quiet,” Dazai pointed out. “It’s about time for the star of the show to make their appearance, don’t you think? Please grace us with one of your stellar ideas.”
“…You would pretend to help someone before pulling the ladder from under them. I know you well enough that no praise of yours could motivate me. If anything, it gives me anxiety,” Kunikida said while glaring at Dazai. “Sigh. It doesn’t matter. How about this? If he takes out Dazai, he’s hired.”
“Oh, wow,” Tanizaki said in admiration while lightly clapping his hands together.
“…Anything else?” asked Dazai, peering at Kunikida from the corner of his eye.
“If he argues Dazai into silence and makes him reflect on all his misdeeds, then he’s hired.”
“Oh, wow! Good idea.” Tanizaki enthusiastically nodded. “Anything else?”
“Yes, he could take Dazai…! And then, like, put him between two wooden boards or something, then slowly apply pressure on both sides and

blow hot steam on his face. He could stab him with countless tiny needles with the occasional electric shock in between and whisper into his ear, ‘This is all your fault. This is all your fault.’ And after that, he could…!”
In a heated frenzy, Kunikida gestured as if he were hitting something in the air before twisting and shaking it. His eyes were bloodshot. Tanizaki, as well as the others watching in the conference room, were slightly weirded out.
“Um… I… I’m sorry,” Dazai mumbled feebly. However, Kunikida didn’t seem to hear him.
“But you wouldn’t actually reflect on your misdeeds, right, Dazai?” Tanizaki asked.
“Nope,” came the usual reply. Just then, there was a knock at the conference room door.
“Pardon my intrusion.” It was a girl’s voice, clear as a bell. “You all must be absolutely exhausted from such a long meeting. One of our regulars brought us a gift, so how about taking a short break and helping yourself to one?”
A high school–age girl walked in, her long, shiny black tresses cascading down her back. She was wearing a school uniform and held a tray of food in her delicate hands.
“Naomi!” Tanizaki lifted his head in surprise. “I thought you already went home.”
“I was waiting for you so we could go home together.”
Naomi gently smiled. Underneath one of her eyes was a beauty mark that gave her an alluring appeal beyond her years. Naomi Tanizaki, Junichiro Tanizaki’s younger sister, worked at the agency’s office when she wasn’t at school. With a practiced hand, she placed a cup of green tea and a meat bun on the conference desk for each person there. Steam rose from the buns along with a delicious aroma; they must have been fresh out of the oven. She walked by her brother and leaned in so closely that he could feel her breath.
“My dearest brother,” she said, a touch of heat in her long exhale, “you’re looking ever so handsome, as usual.”
Naomi stroked the back of his neck with her fingertips. Everyone in the room pretended not to notice. Apparently, these two were blood-related siblings; Tanizaki had admitted as much before, and Naomi had made it no secret, either. Nevertheless, they looked nothing alike. Compared with Tanizaki, who had timid yet honest eyes and a smile always lacking self- confidence, Naomi had a certain sexiness that defied her young age. She had voluptuous lips and lashes so long you might expect to hear them when she blinked. Her eyes were large, like bottomless pits that would absorb any young man naive enough to peer into them, trapping them in a world of fantasy as all the blood rushed to a certain part of his body.
To make matters worse, she always tried to have some sort of physical contact with her brother, regardless of location or who was around. She would touch his ear during conversation, rub his thigh during work, and blow into his ear whenever he wasn’t paying attention. Tanizaki would start acting self-conscious every time, and his eyes would wander, but Naomi even seemed to enjoy her brother’s reactions.
“Oh, Big Brother, you have a piece of lint on your chest. Let me get that for you.”
Naomi softly traced Tanizaki’s collarbone with her fingernail. Of course, there wasn’t a speck of lint on his body. Tanizaki turned red and blinked uncomfortably. Everyone awkwardly looked away.
“Are you two actually related, though? How can two siblings live alone together and act like this?”
That was the question not a single person in the agency was brave enough to ask. Everyone firmly believed something was up, but they could never pry for fear that their hunch was right.
“Hey, Big Brother… I brought what you asked. It’s in my bag. Tonight, we could use it to—”
“Huh? O-oh yeah. Thanks.” And that was exactly why no one could ask them what they were talking about, despite wondering about the meaning behind Naomi’s suggestive whispers and the fact that Tanizaki was looking at everything but her.
“These meat buns are amazing!”
Kenji, who was seated at the foot of the table, was the only one munching happily away at the meat buns Naomi brought. Appetite outweighed sex appeal as far as he was concerned.
“Hey, Naomi, how about helping us out a little while you’re here?” Dazai suggested brightly. “We’re brainstorming ideas for the rookie’s entrance exam.”

“Oh, that sounds wonderful!” She placed the tray under her arm, then beamed rapturously. “Although I wonder if I could even come up with anything useful…”
“We’re still in the early stages. Spitballing. Anything will do,” Dazai assured her. “It can be something you’re good at or familiar with, if you want.”
“…!”
Kunikida shot Dazai a look pleading with him to shut up. “Hmm… Let me think…”
Naomi tilted her head to the side while she pondered. A few moments went by before she blushed and offered three proposals.
Unfortunately, none of what she said could be written here.