Bungo Stray Dogs - Volume 3 Chapter 1 Part 5

Chapter 1 Part 5

“Interesting…,” Yosano murmured while dragging the old newspaper her way. “You’ve got a point there. I guess it’d be tough for even a magician to pull a fast one with this. But what exactly are you going to do?”
Tanizaki waited for a few moments before answering.
“We’ll cut the dates off with the page number and fold them.” He gazed at the old periodical.
“As you can see, there is only one of each number on the pages. This newspaper starts on page one and goes to page forty. Plus, it would be hard to find the same newspaper from two months ago just lying around, so if we cut out the dates with the slips of paper, then you wouldn’t be able to re- create these unless you called a business that collected and recycled old newspapers.”
“Uh-huh.”
Dazai cheerfully nodded. “That’s a really good anti-cheating system for something you just came up with on the spot. What say you, Kunikida? Seems foolproof to me.”
Kunikida glared at Dazai. “Nothing makes me more nervous than when you claim something’s foolproof. Although I suppose I could compromise.”
Tanizaki let out an inward sigh of relief. They made it past the first obstacle. The biggest hurdle, however, came next.
“All right, I’ll make the slips we’ll be using to draw,” Tanizaki said as he began folding the dates of the newspaper. With nothing better to do, the others decided to pass the time by discussing the specifics of this “staged disturbance”:
“What if we did it like in a fairy tale, where a princess gets captured by some bad guy? We could have the rookie just happen to be walking by when it happens.”
“Hold up. Who gets to be the bad guy?”
“Isn’t that why we’re drawing slips of paper?”
“I want to be the villain! Sounds like a lot of fun!” “No, you’d break the rookie’s skull in.”
“Well, I wouldn’t mind that.”
“Wait. Stop for a moment. We’ll figure out who plays the villain through the drawing; there’s still the damsel in distress.”
“Who’s going to play the princess?”
“I mean, we could decide through the drawing as well, but princesses are usually played by women, so…”
Silence.
“Me? Sure, but then I’m gonna split the new guy’s skull open.” “I figured…”
“Out of the frying pan and into the fire…”
“Oh, I know! Kunikida could play the princess!” “Are you out of your mind?!”
As Tanizaki was getting things ready, he imagined the tall Kunikida in a frilly white dress while flirtatiously saying, “Oh myyy! Somebody, do help me!” A rather repulsive notion, but one that kind of suited Kunikida for some reason. Either way, that would be enough to blow the lid off the exam in an instant.
Tanizaki suddenly started to become anxious. Was this really going to work? Would this really make Dazai finally take responsibility just as Kunikida said it would? Kunikida assured him this would work as long as they stuck to the plan. And he said that most of all…this was for Dazai’s sake as well. He claimed that no one would ever be able to defeat Dazai again after this.
According to Kunikida:
“I was in charge of showing Dazai the ropes when he first joined the agency, but he’d already reached the height of his shenanigans by that time.

He had already wrapped his marionette strings around countless people involved, and he even manipulated the moves our enemies made.
“The greatest detective in the agency is without a doubt Ranpo, but his intellect is used for controlling cases and crime scenes. Dazai, on the other hand, uses his intellect to manipulate people—something he uses to take a position of power over them. It would be no surprise if he led the agency one day in the not-so-distant future as the president’s right-hand man. I get the feeling this entire ordeal with the rookie was the first step to that as well. We can’t have someone as free-spirited and carefree as that in the agency. I am not going to let him keep shifting his responsibilities onto others. This entrance exam needs to be an opportunity for him to experience firsthand how difficult it is to hire and manage someone.
“That is why this entire exam needs to be done by Dazai and Dazai alone.”
This whole ruse was created for that sole reason. Tricking Dazai—this was the master plan Kunikida had come up with after being partners with him for two years.
Kunikida’s plan went like this:
First, they would place an old newspaper in the conference room before the meeting.
Then, when they were deciding everyone’s roles and things started getting complicated, one would casually suggest the necessity of everyone drawing slips of paper to decide roles, since not even the embodiment of scheming itself, Dazai, would be able to manipulate the results. Therefore, everyone would be randomly given their roles, which would be fair. Once that happened, without fail, someone would suggest using the old newspaper to make said slips of paper for the lottery. If, by any chance, nobody said anything, Tanizaki or Naomi would wait for the right moment and suggest it themselves.
Kunikida was going to shut Dazai down, he’d said. He continued by saying he was going to force Dazai to realize what it feels like to carry his own burdens and take some responsibility—both for his own sake and for the detective agency’s.
Around the time the slips of paper were finally ready to go, Naomi stopped by the conference room with her schoolbag in her hand.
“Say, dearest brother, I was thinking about heading back home now. Is there anything you needed before I go?”
“Oh, Naomi.” Tanizaki looked overcome with relief. “We’re about to draw slips of paper to decide roles. Do you have a bag or something I can put these in?”
“How about this?” Naomi replied before taking a large brown envelope out of her schoolbag. Everything was going as planned. “It’s a leftover envelope from a school event. You’re free to use it if you want.”
When Kunikida had mapped out the plan, he proposed including someone who didn’t participate in the meeting. Dazai would surely see through Kunikida’s scheme if it were only him. On the other hand, having everyone in the meeting involved would run the risk of information being leaked. This was Dazai, after all. He could easily weasel the information out of someone—most likely Kenji. Kunikida’s partner in crime had to be the best of the best; thus, he ended up going with the Tanizaki siblings.
Tanizaki himself had no idea why he was chosen. Perhaps he was simply included with the Naomi package deal. It was starting to feel that way. When people asked Tanizaki for help, it was usually because anyone would do, or they needed his skill, Light Snow, for something. But skills were useless against their current opponent, Dazai…which could mean that he was chosen because he was a safe, passable choice.
However, Tanizaki felt he was mediocre at his job, held mediocre principles, and had a mediocre sense of justice, which made him a mediocre human being. He didn’t have the courage to talk back to or stand up to Dazai. Put simply, he was incredibly passive.
Tanizaki said he was just your average guy, and he was fine with that. Besides, as the second-to-last ranking agent, what else is there to do besides follow whatever duties a senior employee gives me? Tanizaki thought as he folded the slips of paper.
“I’m done,” he announced.
All the clamoring about the entrance examination suddenly stopped as everyone turned around at the sound of his voice. Lined up before Tanizaki were twenty slips of paper with the numbers “1” to “40” written inside. One might wonder why there were twenty slips of paper and not forty—and that was because the articles were printed on both sides of the paper. Therefore, the number “2” would be printed on the back of page one; the numbers “1” and “2” came as a set, as did “3” and “4.” And just like that, it was the very same up until “39” and “40,” hence why there were only twenty slips of paper.
Tanizaki stacked the papers together before carefully sliding them into the envelope. “Okay, guys. What order do you want to draw the slips of paper in?”
Kunikida crossed his arms and spoke up. “Tanizaki, you made the lots, so it would be logical if you went last.”
“What about me?” Dazai asked while pointing to himself.
“You…might come up with a filthy scheme if we give you too much time to think. You go first.”
“You don’t trust me at all!” lamented Dazai as he drew a slip of paper from the envelope.
“Don’t open it yet.” “Why?”
“Because we haven’t decided on the roles. It wouldn’t be fair to confirm who lost right off the bat, yes?”
Kunikida spoke with confidence, not even giving a hint that this was all part of his plan.
“That makes sense. I guess we should all open them together at the end.” Dazai gripped the slip of paper in his hand. “More importantly, Kunikida, I just had the perfect idea for the entrance exam.” He still had the slip held tight.
“And what’s that?” Kunikida swiped the envelope out of Dazai’s hands, then mixed up the contents before drawing a slip for himself.
“Well, you know that bomb I just happened to receive? I brought it with me.”
Dazai pointed at the paper bag with the fake bomb he’d showed them at the café. Some woman had apparently sent it to the pub for him as a gift, but it almost escalated into a bomb scare.
“It’d be a waste if we didn’t use it.”
“You want to use a bomb?” Kunikida craned his neck. Yosano observed their exchange out of the corner of her eye and drew a slip of paper as well.
“Of course. A bomber will suddenly appear at the detective agency, barricading themselves inside while taking a civilian hostage. We would be able to see how the rookie handles such a risky situation. Obviously, the president will make the final call, but if he can disarm the bomb or persuade the bomber to give up, then the kid passes. What do you say? Sounds like a very detectivelike case if you ask me.”
Kenji drew a slip of paper from the envelope. Usually, Ranpo would go next, but he wasn’t going to be there on the day of the test, so he was relieved from this responsibility. The last person to draw from the envelope…was Tanizaki.
“Here you go, dear brother.” Naomi held out the envelope to him.
Everything was going according to plan so far. It was smooth sailing from here on out. A simple drawing was all that was left.
“So whoever draws the smallest number…plays the bomber,” said Tanizaki.
“Right you are,” Dazai casually replied.
Tanizaki sneaked a look at Kunikida, who subtly nodded back at him so faintly it could hardly even be seen. Tanizaki was already in this deep, so he felt he might as well let it play out until the end. He drew a slip of paper.